By Royal Tater (as channeled through High Plains Grifter)
Listen up, ye peasants of Chaffee County… I mean, loyal subjects of the Mile High Realm!
It is I, the Royal Tater, Supreme Sovereign of Sustainability, Defender of the Grid (on sunny days), and Benevolent Overlord of All Things Electric Preferred. From my throne high atop Mount Virtue Signal(with excellent cell service from Starlink and a backup diesel generator(naturally), I extend royal gratitude to my most faithful minion, Commissioner P.T. Wood.
Oh, what a fine display of blind obedience, PT! While the unwashed masses, those backward propane peddlers, hillbilly builders, and rural rubes who somehow survived winters before I had even realized we could Nanny State their every move! PT did as he was told, pretending to listen as you whined about “evidence,” “grid reliability,” and “actual costs to real families,” But PT, you stood tall and pushed Electric Preferred like a true courtier seeking royal favor. No pesky Chaffee-specific studies? No problem! No shred of local data showing it reduces emissions or saves anyone money in our mountain reality? Petty details! You didn’t let facts get in the way of flawed ideology. That’s how one climbs the ladder in my kingdom.
Bravo, good sir! In the Royal Court of the Almighty Tater, loyalty is rewarded. Question nothing. Repeat the approved slogans. Nod solemnly at the blathering of out-of-county consultants. Demand “progress” even if the grid already wheezes like an old mule on a hot day. Your commanding a 3-0 vote was a masterclass in commissioner speak: “It’s just a bridge,” you said, while the clodhoppers sit there certain that bridge leads straight off a cliff.
Well done, Sir PT of Wood, you’ve shown the rest of the serfs how it’s done. Because here in the Royal Court of the Tater, the only way for a commoner to rise above their station of anonymity, mediocrity and winter poverty is to ride the Serf Wave: paddle furiously (but only on the left side), kiss the ring, and push whatever His Majesty mandates with blind devotion. Just like the revised Land Use Code that was rammed through the same way — no solid evidence, no common-sense or reason, just royal whim and consultant scripture. After all, in my kingdom we cater to every whim of the Aspenauts and Crestedcrats, whether it’s Electric Preferred mandates or rewriting the rules so the anointed ones get what they want.
To my other subjects: Take note. This is how favor is earned in the New Chaffee Order. PT gets it. He understands that “Electric Preferred” isn’t about what’s good for you, it’s about what looks good on a sustainability report and scores points with the Aspenauts and Crestedcrats. Its about exercising arbitrary control over random issues to exert dominance. Consumer choice? Property rights? Winter resilience? Quaint relics of the old regime. In my realm, we prefer blind obedience wrapped in green ribbon that throttles free will.
In my enlightened kingdom, we don’t just respect pronouns, we celebrate them. So when addressing your Royal Tater, be sure to use the full respectful list: his/her/their/ze/zir/xe/xem/ey/em/fae/faer/it/its/royal/highness/tater/taters/serfmaster. Anything less is clearly hate-speech and punishable by another Electric Preferred mandate and/or a swift rewrite of the Land Use Code, tripling our takings of your hard-earned land value. As I always say, “blind government overreach means never having to say you are sorry”. After all, in the Court of the Tater, loyalty demands perfect compliance, whether it’s your pronouns, your heat source, or your enthusiastic support for every royal whim. Failure to recite the sacred list of dogma and you’ll find yourself banished from the Serf Wave, doomed to paddle in obscurity while the favored few willing to comply frolic forever on waves of virtue and free-flowing consultant cash.
And to the rest of you complainers demanding “evidence”? Silence! The Royal Tater has spoken. The data doesn’t support your lived experience, apparently. Just install the heat pump, pay the premium, and thank your commissioners for their wisdom. Especially PT, he’s earned a shiny new title: Minion of the Month!
Long live Electric Preferred! Long live the Exalted Court of King Tater! And if the lights go out… well, that’s just another opportunity for us to inflict even more resilience training on you.
Yours in Enlightened Governance,
The Royal Tater
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