By High Plains Grifter
Well folks, I’ve been quiet long enough.
Last Christmas The Grifter reached into his stocking and pulled me out, a big, honest lump of bituminous coal, right next to that smug Governor Tater. When The Grifter asked Santa why he got coal, Santa just sighed and said, “That ain’t for you, partner. That’s for The Potato-in-Chief. His Spudness has got the North Pole so cold production is down 46%. The elves were burning surplus mail-in ballots and Jena Griswold campaign flyers just to stay warm.”
I tried to be neighborly. Last week I was talking to my cousin Light Sweet Crude and our old friend Liquified Natural Gas. We were reminiscing about the good ol’ days when we kept the lights on, the houses warm, and the factories running without throwing a tantrum every time the wind stopped blowing. But does His Royal Tuber thank us? No sir. Instead, he treats us like we’re poor relations. That’s nothing but pure discrimination and intolerance, if you ask me.
I tried to be neighborly. Last week I was talking to my cousin Light Sweet Crude and our old friend Liquified Natural Gas. We were reminiscing about the good ol’ days when we kept the lights on, the houses warm, and the factories running without throwing a tantrum every time the wind stopped blowing. But does His Royal Tuber thank us? No sir. Instead, he treats us like we’re poor relations and tells us to put it where the sun don’t shine. Hell, if he stuck his precious solar panels where the sun don’t shine, they’d be about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle. That’s nothing but pure discrimination and intolerance, if you ask me
And now I hear the tater has really outdone himself, he’s discovered how to generate “green energy” AND make vodka from his own spudness at the same time. That’s right, folks: one potato, two miracles. He’ll power Colorado with his magickal windmill hand and solar left-wing while the whole state gets lit on homemade potato vodka. Talk about a self-sustaining ecosystem!
Here’s the part that really burns my anthracite-laden butt: that tater and his green dream crowd love to badmouth us, but they sure don’t mind using us on the down low. You can’t make a windmill tower or a solar panel without a whole lot of petroleum products, steel (made with coal), and reliable baseload power. But they’re out here now biting the grimy, calloused hand that literally forged their toys. It’s short-term memory loss, fueled by long-term self-interest.
So go ahead, Governor. Keep badmouthing your bituminous bedfellows. Just remember, when it’s twenty below and the wind stops blowing, you’ll be mighty glad we’re still around.
Signed,
The Lump
(Still here, still ready to work)
(With apologies to Jed Clampett:)
The Ballad of Taterhead and the Lump
Gonna tell a story ‘bout a man named Jared,
Poor Tech Billionaire barely kept his family fed…
Then one day he pushed his Big Green Dream,
Said “Fossil fuels are evil!” and he started actin’ mean.
Windmills, that is…
Solar panels…
Left-wing only…
Well, the first thing you know, old Spud’s gone green,
Said “Coal and oil are dirty,” if you know what I mean.
He banned the right wing, put his earmuffs on tight,
Now the whole state’s freezin’ every wintry night.
Blackouts, that is…
Cold beans…
Candlelight…
Now the Lump of Coal was sittin’ in The Grifter’s sock,
Next to that sorry tater, takin’ all the stock.
Santa looked at both and gave a weary sigh,
“That coal ain’t for Grifter – it’s for the Spud up high!”
Discrimination, that is…
Intolerance…
Bituminous bedfellows…
Well that tater got creative, now he’s feelin’ free,
He’s makin’ green energy and potato vodka simultaneously!
One mash, two products – what a brilliant scheme,
Power the state by day and get lit by 3:15!
Spudshine, that is…
Green lightning…
Self-distilled…
So if you’re tired of virtue signals that are all for show,
If you want your lights on when it’s twenty below,
Grab yourself some power that’ll never let you down
Just thank your fossil fuels and upside down your frown!
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