Listen up, neighbors. Some folks around here act like if you don’t slap a fancy label on somethin’, it ain’t real.
They’ll spend all day in a “stakeholder engagement session” pretendin’ reality is whatever the Boulder Brainworm tells ‘em it is. But us porch-sittin’ types know better: observation is one hell of a way to define reality. You watch what people do, not what they post on Instagram.
You see who’s payin’ the bills and who’s flyin’ private while lecturin’ the rest of us about our wood stoves and gas heat. That’s why this glossary exists. Somebody’s gotta call the players by their proper names before the whole High Country turns into one big Crested Butte Cluster F***. So here it is, straight from the front porch, no chaser.
Elites & Archetypes(Who think “Progress” involves forcing us back into the Stone Age)
- Head Tater (n) – Governor Jared Polis. Interchangeable plastic spud who swaps parts faster than a Chaffee County commissioner changes his mind on whose rights to target next.
- Crestedcrat (n) – Wealthy progressive aristocrat from Crested Butte (or any shiny mountain town). Drives a Tesla but hates themselves for it, owns three gas fireplaces and a private jet. Tells Buena Vista roofers they need to freeze in the dark to save the climate.
- Aspenaut (n) – Tech millionaire who floats above reality in Aspen. Believes hot air from the legislature can heat your greenhouse and that coal is only bad when it keeps your lights on.
- Bouldercrat (n) – Original source of all mandates that roll downhill into Chaffee County. Thinks your wood stove is a greater threat than their fleet of private jets.
- Salidacrat (n) – See Bouldercrat, but with factory-installed extra sanctimony. Hates Kings, loves Petty Tyrants
- Weiserite (n) – Follower of Attorney General Phil Weiser. Loves regulations and taxpayer-funded lawsuits the way a tick loves a warm leg.
- Griswoldian (adj) – Follower of or in the style of Secretary of State Jena Griswold: known for aggressive election administration, defending all-mail voting, fighting voter ID/audits, and misusing the office to protect the Gold Standard narrative. Often involves selective transparency, last-minute rule changes, and treating election integrity questions like a skunk that sprays first and asks questions never.
- Private Jet Environmentalist (n) – Hypocrite who flies to climate summits to issue edicts that you must ride the bus, even if your small town has no buses.
- Salida Progressive (n) – Person who moved here last Tuesday and already wants to change everything that made it worth moving to.
- Buena Vista ReVisionary (n) – California refugee who “discovered” BV and now demands it become Boulder with better views but even less patriotism.
- Yoga Mat Activist (n) – Person whose entire political philosophy comes from Instagram and Burning Man.
The Locals (AKA Peasantry):
- Porch Philosopher (n) – Local who still sits on the front porch after dark discussing how the country actually used to work. Considered extremely dangerous by the new arrivals. Usually armed with black coffee, common sense, and zero patience for stakeholder engagement.
- High Country Local (n) – The rapidly endangered species that was born here, works here, and just wants to keep the lights on and the property taxes from eating their house. Regularly told they’re the problem by trust-funders who own three homes but no moral core.
- Chaffee County Working Stiff (n) – The plumber, welder, roofer, or ranch hand paying the bills so the Trust Fund Environmentalists can virtue signal. Gets lectured about their carbon footprint while fixing the Aspenaut’s Bidet.
- Front Porch Regular (n) – Salt-of-the-earth Chaffee County resident who still believes in showing up, speaking plainly, and expecting elected officials to actually listen. Now classified as a domestic terrorist threat in certain Boulder group chats.
- Local Welder (n) – Skilled tradesperson who keeps the county running and gets told by yoga mat activists that his diesel truck is destroying the planet. Laughs bitterly while the activist’s private jet flies overhead.
- Chaffee County Rancher (n) – Multi-generation local tryin’ to keep cattle on land that the Outdoor Recreation Economy crowd wants turned into an Instagram backdrop. Gets called a “Wildland Urban Interface” problem every time a cow farts.
- Salida Old-Timer (n) – The guy who remembers when you could actually afford to live in the town you grew up in. Now spends his time watchin’ transplants drinking an Organic Decolonized Intersectional Turmeric Chai Oat Milk Latte while Libsplaining how everything he built is “problematic” and “lacks sustainability for a better tomorrow”.
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