High Country Advocate Special Satire Report
The master of 4D chess brought his checkers to a chess game.
In a bold move, the Kennedy Center was renamed the Trump-Kennedy Center. A big, bold, beautiful name. There are many beautiful buildings in this beautiful city of Washington DC, but none as beautiful as the Trump-Kennedy Center. The signs went up last week. The press releases flowed. The board voted unanimously, because that is what hand-picked boards do.
But when supporters type trumpkennedycenter.com into their browsers to bask in the glory, the website redirects them to Google Maps – 8th & I St SE, Washington DC. Street view drops them in the parking lot across from the Marine Barracks. Full of homeless people, broken bottles, broken dreams, and the smell of stale urine.
Just one block from the House of the Commandants, where the Commandant of the Marine Corps has lived since 1806. The Marines keep their house immaculate. They host Friday night parades in the summer, free to the public, a showcase of precision and tradition at the oldest post in the Corps. Tourists line up for hours. The bands play. The Silent Drill Platoon performs.
The parking lot across the street keeps its own schedule.
A writer from South Park, Colorado saw this coming in August. Toby Morton, who wrote for the television show named after his hometown from 2001 to 2003, watched Trump gut the Kennedy Center board and thought: that name is going on the building. So he spent $30 on GoDaddy and bought trumpkennedycenter.com and trumpkennedycenter.org.
The Trump administration, with all its resources, all its lawyers, all its dealmakers, spent nothing.
Morton once voiced Scott Tenorman, Eric Cartman’s half-brother and nemesis. He owns about fifty political parody domains.
Asked what he plans to do with the Trump-Kennedy domains, Morton told the Washington Post it would “absolutely reflect the absurdity of the moment.” He added: “Some things are truly hard to parody.”
Not this one.
The actual Kennedy Center website remains at kennedy-center.org. The actual building bears its new name in actual letters. The actual Trump administration controls the actual board.
But the internet remembers who bought the domains first. And every supporter who wants to visit the Trump-Kennedy Center online will find themselves contemplating a parking lot in Southeast DC, wondering if this is what winning looks like.
The Marines will keep hosting their Friday night parades. The parking lot will keep hosting everything else. And a guy who once wrote for a show named after a small Colorado town is laughing at the 4D chess master who forgot to spend $30.
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